How to revive a relationship through an effective apology!

And why sorry isn’t enough!

An effective apology is one that is complete. Here is a checklist of things that go a long way to having your apology an effective one.

Does your partner feel you have acknowledged them enough for what they experienced because of your actions?

Do I need to extend my empathy by further imagining other consequences they may feel?

What I do know is that conflict is an essential part of the nature of relationship.

Relationship is dynamic. Tension creates the impetus for change and indicates where adjustment is needed.

When a couple are in conflict it feels chaotic and complicated because there is a lot going on. Escalating conflict is often because of our unskilful way of working through the tension.

Essentially, in each interaction ,where there is tension escalation there are four truths being tossed around unskilfully, and whilst this is happening, the couple are becoming more opposed.

Why do we enter Relationship at all?

The reasons are multifaceted. And the needs for an individual’s life fulfilment are varied and complex.

The importance of this consideration is large.

Why? One might spend valuable time and effort with someone you are totally mismatched with. Getting clear on needs and value priorities, will help us decide whether the relationship is likely successful and thus worthy of building.

Experts in the Neurobiology of Relating claim that the attraction to another represents the change or qualities you wish to expand in yourself. With the possibility of wiring these into our own behaviour.

Your Greatest Ally is within you!

“I learned a long time ago the wisest thing I can do is be on my own side, be an advocate for myself.” – Maya Angelou, author and activist.

These words reinforce my observations of the more content and fulfilled people I know.

They are genuine self-advocates not in the ,let me tell you how great I am kind but the kind that say little of their achievements. Its apparent they are the quiet achievers who are not fuelled by habits of self-sabotage. You may find them laughing lightly at their mistakes but in the next breath they are doing the work of repair and upskilling. They are not the victims of the world who keep themselves under, by self-criticism and undisciplined distraction.

This is the first of a series of articles on the key tools used in couples therapy.

They are the approach I use, based on an emotion-focused lens of relationship repairing. Sue Johnson, in her book “Hold Me Tight”, outlines seven vital conversations to be had when we are attempting to build and/or rebuild relationship. In my view, relationship is a continuous choice to determine the right actions that will take care of each other, which is ‘the relationship’. We are always building and rebuilding.

“Relational Love is the urge and continuous effort for another person’s happiness and well being. It is an art requiring effort and dedication.” – The Forgotten Art of Love, Armin A Zadeh.

These are the things we do regularly that keep us vital… physically, mentally, emotionally & spiritually.

Moving the body. Breathing deeply. Eating to nourish yourself. Building healthy loving connections with family, friends and communities. Connecting in nature. Self reflection and self study.

These are some of the foundations on which we build our most important home, Ourselves…